The Sweatpant Catastrophe

Let me tell you a story.

It involves BTS.  BTS is the ECBF’s favourite thing at Christmas.  Even more than the Chex/nut mix I’ll be posting about in a few days, he loves this thing.  If you aren’t familiar with it – it’s basically caramel on top of saltines, with chocolate and peanuts.  Salty and sweet, delicious, and stupid easy to make.  Until today.

I’m going to go right ahead and blame the ECBF for this going wrong, even though he was several hundred miles away visiting his brother out of town.  But it goes way back – several months in fact – to when he made something using my perfectly sized cookie sheet.  The thing is a piece of junk-  just a cheap cookie sheet – its only real purpose was to make BTS, and to cook things that had the potential to ruin a cookie sheet.  Everyone has one of these, right?  Anyway, it wasn’t a standard size, and it wasn’t particularly nice – but it had its purpose, you know?  He wrecked it and we tossed it.  I can’t even remember what it was that he was making, but it got burnt up and gross, and it went in the garbage.  Months ago.

Cut to today – the ECBF is out of town, as I mentioned a few posts ago, I’m puttering around the house having a personal baking day.  Love it.  Right? I don’t have the most glamourous kitchen, in fact it’s quite small and, dare I say, casual.  Well, it only seems appropriate in this tiny little casual kitchen, that  well, I like to bake in sweats.  It’s how I do.  Sweats and a towel tossed over my shoulder and Law & Order marathon on the TV and I’m in bliss.  Don’t judge me. 

I get the saltines out, and all the other assorted ingredients, and I set to work making this thing.  All the while, I’m thinking about how happy the ECBF will be to see it when he gets home tomorrow.  So I go to fetch the “good” cookie sheet I use for exactly this purpose, and oh no, we threw it out, remember?  Crap.  Ok.  I have another one, a little bit different size, but it will work. 

I continue on my way, barely a moment out of step by this slight misconfiguration. The recipe has you pour the hot caramel over the saltines and then you bake it in the oven for 6 minutes.  That’s it.  That’s all you need to get it hot enough to melt the chocolate.  At minute 5, I realize that there’s a bit of smoke coming out of the vent of the oven.  So… I guess it’s time to take it out?  Remember, my kitchen is small, so I quickly stop what I’m doing at the sink and bend over to open up the oven.  I am immediately blinded by a cloud of dark smoke.  I bend over to grab the tray of saltines, which has bubbled over onto the element inside the stove, and has caught fire.  This is when the band of my sweatpants gets hooked around the handle for the cupboard under the sink behind me.

 I’m trapped.  As much as I try to wriggle free from the cupboard I’ve become attached to,  I can’t.  As I’m trying to free myself from the cupboard, I tip the tray of saltines over and the rest of the caramel and saltines all pour over onto the element and everything else sets ablaze.  Because of how I’m attached to the cupboard by my pants, I can’t get the oven door closed at the same time, and the smoke continues to billow into the room and into into my eyes, so I reach up to try to stop the tears and put the oven mitts covered with molten lava/caramel right onto my face.  I literally jumped – which, thank goodness, was just the action needed to release my pants and free me from imminent death/disaster.

Needless to say, baking came to an abrupt halt, and wine drinking commenced.

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